Quakers and "Vocal Ministry Cops"

I had a recent experience that convinced me that the time has come for Friends to question how they  practice  “eldering,” a term with many meanings from educating and nurturing those inexperienced with Friends’ norms to correcting inappropriate or harmful behavior.

One approach to “eldering” is what I call “the vocal ministry cop.” I first heard that term when I became a member of the worship and ministry committee of Santa Monica Meeting. When we started receiving complaints about vocal ministry that some Quakes found objectionable, our committee reflected on what to do and decided we didn’t want to be “vocal ministry cops.” Instead of “eldering” individuals to correct their behavior, we convened an adult study on vocal ministry where we could address this concern collectively. This approach seemed to work pretty well.

Let me clarify what I mean by this term with an analogy. When someone plays loud music late at night in our neighborhood (and this happen from time to time since we are racially and ethnically diverse where people like to party), my wife and I have the right to call the police. But we choose instead to go to our neighbors and remind them in a kind and friendly way that it’s late and would they please close down their party. This usually works. We don’t call the cops because as Christians we believe that the prime directive is to “love your neighbor.”

When someone gives a message that seems inappropriate or offensive, the first step for Friends should be to approach that person directly and tell them how we feel. We should also be open to having a dialogue. That to me seems a way for us to deepen our friendship and our community.

However, some Quakers prefer to go directly to Ministry and Oversight. (The name has been changed, but sadly not its function.) The Committee then appoints someone to speak to the offending Quaker, much like a cop goes to a disruptive neighbor.

I know that this analogy will make some Quakers uncomfortable. Elders are not like police. They don’t carry guns or any other weapon. They are supposed to be kind and friendly. Well, yes that’s true. But their function is like that of cop. They are there to exert “friendly persuasion” so that offenders will conform to what some Quakers believe to be acceptable vocal ministry and/or behavior.

This summer I had an experience with a Ministry cop from Pacific Yearly Meeting. She is a very kind and dear friend who did her job as best she could. She called to tell me that four people had objected to my vocal ministry during Pacific Yearly Meeting’s annual session. The theme of Yearly Meeting was inclusivity and racial justice, and I spoke about how the police killings of African Americans in my neighborhood had impacted me personally. I asked my friend what Quakers had found objectionable about my message and was told that “this wasn’t my story to tell.” I was baffled by that remark. What did that mean? I was sharing from personal experience—an experience that had changed my life. I had met and grieved with friends and family members of African Americans who were my neighbors and had been killed and brutalized by police. I had taken part in actions to oppose police abuse. The elder from M and O couldn’t explain why “this wasn’t my story to tell. “ So I was left hanging with unanswered and unanswerable questions: What was so offensive in my message that these Quakers felt they wanted me to be “eldered”? Why did they feel that they couldn’t come to me and share their feelings and concerns? If they had done so, I would have gladly listened and would have welcomed their insights. I am sure that I would have become a better person and perhaps it would have also helped us to become better friends.

Jesus recommends this approach in Matthew 18;15-17. “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again” (The Message). If a fellow Quaker offends you with his ministry or some other behavior, the first step is to work it out in private.  If they’re unwilling or it doesn’t get resolved, then invite others, presumably members of ministry and counsel, for a clearness session. I can testify from experience that clearness session work and are the best practice I know to resolve interpersonal conflicts.  I especially want to commend Connie Green, who has written an excellent Pendle Hill pamphlet on Matthew 18, and is very skillful facilitator when it comes to clearness committees and conflict resolution.

The Dangers of Backbiting

Going to ministry and counsel to complain about someone’s vocal ministry or un-Quakerly behavior is, as I have suggested, equivalent to going to the police. If we “lodge a complaint,” it usually means that we lack trust and don’t feel confident that the other person will listen or respond appropriately. We may feel intimidated by that person, or contemptuous or angry. In these situations, I would hope that members of Ministry and Counsel would encourage Friends to follow the recommendation of Jesus: pray for Divine Guidance and wisdom and then speak to the person who has offended you. If that person is unwilling to listen or becomes defensive, then invite him or her to join you and others for a clearness committee where conflicts and disagreements can be resolved prayerfully.

In my meeting, it happens from time to time that people say negative things about others behind their backs, especially to members of M and C. This is not unusual and has been happening among Quakers since the earliest days of Quakerism. There is a word for this in the Quaker lexicon: back biting. A very old Quaker query asks: “Is love and unity maintained in your meeting, and are you free from back biting and tale telling?”

Back biting should be discouraged because it can have very negative consequences both for individuals and for the community. When a couple in my meeting started complaining about me behind my back, and I heard about it from M and O, I asked to meet with them so I could hear their concerns. I promised just to listen, and not be defensive. But they refused. As a result, their animosity grew to the point that it led to a incident of violence so shocking and painful I felt the need to seek trauma healing from a therapist. This wound affected not only me, but also many others in the community who witnessed or heard about it. Two years later it is still in the process of being healed and resolved.

The English visionary poet William Blake understood all too well how unspoken anger can morph into something dangerous and toxic. In “The Poison Tree,” Blake describes this process:

I was angry with my friend; 

I told my wrath, my wrath did end.

I was angry with my foe: 

I told it not, my wrath did grow. 

 

And I waterd it in fears,

Night & morning with my tears: 

And I sunned it with smiles,

And with soft deceitful wiles. 

 

And it grew both day and night. 

Till it bore an apple bright. 

And my foe beheld it shine,

And he knew that it was mine. 

 

And into my garden stole, 

When the night had veild the pole; 

In the morning glad I see; 

My foe outstretched beneath the tree.

 

Like George Fox, Blake was aware that each of us has a dark side that needs to be brought into the  Light for healing and transformation, or it can be violent. That’s why it is so important to work through conflicts openly and not let them fester. Because I know from experience how dangerous and toxic unresolved anger can be, I am concerned and somewhat anxious that there are people in my community who feel such distrust or animosity towards me that they won’t even speak to me directly when they don’t like my vocal ministry. What is that about? And where will it lead?

Fruits of the Spirit: A Test for Vocal Ministry

Those who call the vocal ministry cops probably feel that the words that offended them were not Spirit-led, but ego-driven. Like most who rise to give vocal ministry, I try to follow the leadings of the Spirit, but how do I know that I have been faithful? I rise only when I feel compelled to do so by an inward nudging of Spirit and feel a sense of inward peace afterwards when I have faithfully given a message, but how do I know that I’m not deluding myself?

One test for authentic prophetic ministry is that some people will be uncomfortable, or even outraged, by one’s message, as happened to Jesus when he spoke truth to his home synagogue (Matt 13:57 and Mark 6:4). I take some solace when people are offended by my messages since I know that I am in good company. Many activists I know in the peace and justice movement have faced rejection by their own community and accepted it with good grace and even humor. Jesus said that we are blessed when we speak out for justice and people say bad things about us, for that’s how prophets have always been treated (Mathew 5:10).

Another test is that Spirit-led ministry is not “notional”; it springs from the heart and from personal experience and leads to positive action. In the case of the vocal ministry I felt led to share at YM, a Friend who heard it contacted me soon afterwards to learn more. I had apparently mentioned a program called CAHOOTs which intrigued her. This program originated in Oregon and sends in trained social workers and psychologists instead of armed police when incidents of domestic violence occur or when there are issues with homeless people. If this program had been in place in Pasadena, it would have saved the life of Reginald Thomas, a mentally ill African American father of five who was tasered to death by police not far from Orange Grove Meeting two years ago. When my therapist friend heard about this program, she became so excited she wants to get it started in Lake County. She’s such an amazing person I have no doubt that, God willing, she can do this.

Good results are not infallible proof that a message was Spirit-breathed. Nonetheless, I am thrilled that at least one Friend heard my heart and was led to take action that could make a difference and maybe even save lives.  And this what keeps me returning to Friends. As long as we have open worship, allow people to speak as Spirit leads them,  listen with open hearts and minds, and do what Spirit calls us to do, we are following in the footsteps of George Fox and Jesus and other enlightened souls. And I am convinced that path will ultimately lead us to the Beloved Community.