Why Quakers don't thank each other.... Is this custom spirit-led?

 One of the Quaker queries that I most appreciate is the one that asks: “Do I live in thankful awareness of God’s constant presence in my life?” I feel that being in "thankful awareness" and expressing gratitude is at the heart of the spiritual life. This includes gratitude not only for God, but also for the people around us., including those who annoy us!

That’s why I was disturbed when a Quaker committee I am a member of was discussing our accomplishments over the past year, and someone objected to the fact that people who did the activities were named.

“Why is that a problem?” I asked.

“Quakers don’t use names in committee reports.”

“Why not?”

“Because that’s our custom.”

“I understand why Quakers don’t provide names during business meeting because we don’t want to identify who took which position. We want to stress unity. But why not name people who’ve done certain activities?”

“That’s our Quaker custom, just like we don’t thank people.”

“Why don’t Quakers thank each other?”

“That’s our Quaker custom.”

“That sounds irrational,” I said. “What’s the spiritual basis for not thanking people?”

Then someone suggested, “It’s because Friends should be motivated to do things by the Spirit, not in order to get credit or thanks.”

This made some sense, so I let it drop. I didn’t want to get into an argument over whether or not people who are guided to action by the Spirit still deserved to be thanked for choosing to follow the Spirit, so I just gave up. Not thanking people is a Quaker custom and it’s impossible to argue with Custom.  

For those who are open to questioning accepted beliefs and practices, I’d like to unpack the word “custom” and see why I feel it can get in the way of a Spirit-led religion. According to Webster's, a custom is a “traditional and widely accepted way of behaving or doing something that is specific to a particular society, place, or time.” Customs, in other words, are traditions. Jews had many customs in Jesus’ time, like ritualistically washing their hands before meals, or not healing someone on the Sabbath, that Jesus defied. Why? Because he wanted us to be guided not by custom, but by Spirit. Quakers took a similar approach and defied many of the customs of their day for the same reason.

Perhaps that’s why I find myself increasingly annoyed by certain Quaker customs.

Customs are to action what dogmas are to the Inward Light: external rather than heart-felt guides . Just as Quakers have rejected dogmas, we should reject customs that are not guided by Spirit. Let me explain with an historical example. When early Friends refused to doff their hats or use the honorific “You” instead of “thou” to those deemed socially superior,  they were affirming their deep belief in the equality of all people. These defiant affirmations of radical egalitarianism had deep spiritual meaning. Over time, these practices became customs and simply affirmed that Quakers were different from, and perhaps better than, others. Quakers gradually abandoned these customs as outmoded and “quaint.”

I think it’s time for Quakers to rethink how we treat one another, and why we feel it’s un-Quakerly to express thanks or appreciation, or “give credit.”

Gratitude is a core practice of the Abrahamic faiths because we believe that God is the origin of all good gifts—life, health, beauty, etc—and therefore deserves to be thanked. Even Buddhists, who don’t believe in God, recognize gratitude as a core spiritual practice. When I was a Zen Buddhist practitioner, I was taught to bow in gratitude to my Zen master, to my food, and even to my zafu (Zen cushion) before sitting on it.

As Quakers, we don’t thank God as openly and profusely as do practitioners of other faiths in part because many Quakers don’t believe in a personal God and in part because we don’t have a tradition of praise music and hymn singing. Whether we believe that God is personal, or Universal Goodness, or the Light, I hope that Friends can come to realize that we didn’t “earn”  the most important things in life, such as love, health, or even inner peace. Life itself is a gift beyond what words can describe, and therefore the most appropriate response to life is gratitude. When we are truly aware of life’s preciousness, expressing gratitude becomes heart-felt and Spirit-led. When we express gratitude to people, we affirm that we care about them and appreciate the divine within them. For me, this kind of gratitude is the heart of real community.

I am pleased to say that most Quakers I know ignore the custom of being unthankful in their daily life, and even sometimes when they are being Quakers. I hope that this custom will be eventually be abandoned by Quakers like the custom of saying “thee” instead of “you.” I also hope we will consider this query:

Do I live in thankful awareness of Friends and other people in my life and do I express my gratitude to them?