Calling in vs. calling out: truth and reconciliation approach

 

Recently someone who was offended by something I said threatened to "call me out" and publicly blame and shame me. This is a very tempting approach when we have been offended but there is a better way. It's called "calling someone in."

I learned this from a Black activist who used this term to describe how to respond to people who make racist or otherwise hurtful remarks. I looked up the definition of "calling in":

"Calling in is an invitation to a one-on-one or small group. conversation to bring attention to an individual or group's. harmful words or behavior, including bias, prejudice, microaggressions, and discrimination."

This is, or should be, our Quaker approach. "Calling someone out" for public shame assumes that we are morally superior, and we want to separate ourselves from that person. The Quaker approach is different. If someone has hurt or offended us, we don't "call them out," we "call them in" and invite them to meet one-on-one or in a clearness committee. 

I have experienced and written elsewhere about our Quaker clearness committees. They really work! See https://laquaker.blogspot.com/2019/01/resolving-conflict-quaker-way-actually.html 

Connie Green and Marty Grundy have written a deeply spiritual and practical Pendle Hill pamphlet on forgiveness called "Matthew 18: Wisdom for Living in Community," They recognize that when two people have an unresolved conflict, and aren't willing to resolve it, it can hurt the whole community. That's why we need to practice forgiveness in and with our spiritual community. (I should add that Connie Green led a clearness committee that helped me deal with some trauma I experienced with my Quaker community, and it was a very helpful and healing process.)

My Methodist study group is about to read "Forgive Everybody Everything," a lovely picture book of stories about forgiveness by Father Greg Boyle. As Father Greg's powerful stories make clear, forgiveness is at the core of Jesus' teaching, but it can also be the hardest to practice. 

When we have been hurt or traumatized, it is often extremely hard to forgive, but we can will ourselves to forgive through prayer. We can say, "God of love and grace, please help me to forgive so-and-so. Help me to reconcile with this person who has hurt me deeply."

Even when we pray for the strength to forgive, the pain of the offense may not go away completely for a long time. But we can become free from the desire to "call someone out" or to hurt the one who hurt use. That's a step towards healing and reconciliation.

The next step is to request a one-on-one or a clearness committee with the one who has hurt us, or whom we have offended. (Often the person who has hurt us feels that they are the ones who have been hurt by us. We need speak our truth and listen compassionately to the other person's truth.)

If the person who has hurt us doesn't want to be "called in," we can then feel free. We've done what we can. We can begin to let go of the pain and move on, with God's help and grace. Depending on the depth of the hurt, that may take time, but if we are patient, healing will come. That's God's promise and I put my faith in God's promises. So I will end with this prayer:

"God of love and grace, please help us to forgive those who have hurt us even as You have forgiven us for the pain we have caused You and others. Teach us the way of forgiveness and reconciliation so we can be instruments of your grace and love."